Healthy eating vs starving

We put too much emphasis on over eating and fatness. Rarely do we highlight the problem of low or under eating. Probably we think it’s a Holywood thing to not want to eat or have low interest in food. We hardly recognise this problem even in ourselves. A majority of people who go to gym go there to lose weight. In fact, I think the entire gym industry is tailored around weight loss. This begs the question: what about those of us who don’t necessarily need to lose weight, but want to maintain a healthy body?

I’m not a big meat eater, in fact, I always say, “I can easily become a vegetarian”, except that I love pork so much. In a quest to balance my anxiety, I embarked on a “healthy eating” journey, but without proper knowledge or plan. This meant that I didn’t eat properly and didn’t prepare my meals. Instead of eating healthily I almost starved myself. This was not intentional, of course. I didn’t realise that I had a problematic relationship with food. First, I don’t really like food. I often brag to people, saying that “I only eat so I won’t starve”. I even forget to eat at times, until my stomach starts grumbling. Then I would remember , “Oh, I haven’t eaten anything”. This is usually around 1 pm. What makes me forget eating also is my strong relationship with coffee. Drinking coffee often makes me believe I’ve eaten something. This was a common theme for me in 2019. This was not until July, when I hit an almost rock bottom. That’s when I became intentional with eating and the kind of food I ate. Soon my intentionality became neuroticism. I treated food like an enemy. This only intensified my warped relationship with food. I told friends and neighbours that I was becoming vegetarian. I even started planting my own food, which is now blooming nicely. I was proud of myself, thinking I was being good to myself by trying to eliminate meat from my diet. Thankfully, that was not hard work for me to do as I was already not eating much anyway.

In the beginning of 2020, I started feeling extremely exhausted with serious hunger pangs. I would wake up feeling like I haven’t eating for days. I would find anything I could just to keep my “breath”. That’s when I became intentional about eating breakfast. I make sure I eat something no later 10am. I bought oats and it only takes 10 minutes to prepare. It’s less complicated and it is also low in carbohydrates and rich in energy. I also do energy mditations in the morning, which include breathing exercises. These exercises help with digestion. Since starting this routine, my stomach is more peaceful now. On top of meditations, I do jumping squats as part of my excercise. This helps with my heart rate. I also eat a proper lunch, which includes 70% vegetables. I cook during the day, something I used to hate doing. I also snack on fruits and drink water.

I came across an article, posted by a friend on her WhatsApp status update. The article talked about what is called Aryuverda.  The concept talks about a cluster of daily activities that a person can do to maintain a healthy balance of the body. It also explains different body types and how each body reacts differently to stress. This concept is based on ancient Indian philosophy which denotes that, “I’m a spiritual being having a physical exprience”. It makes sense that when we are stressed our bodies react because the two are interconnected. I’ve also incorporated some of these daily practices and the exhaustion is completely gone. The debilitating hunger is also gone. I’m freer and happier. My body is feeling healthier, too. I also went back to my morning runs. You can read more on the Aryuverda concept on Deepak Chopra website: http://www.https//chopra.com/articles Chopra is a trained medical doctor and a mind/body philosopher.

Social media and beauty

My relationship with my face got complicated at age 25, when I started working in corporate. I never had acne growing up, unlike my sister who was prone to break outs. I started straightening my hair with chemicals when I started working, in an attempt to look ‘professional’. I thought this was expected of me. Well, it was implied as many people did it. I also started experimenting with make up for the first-time. Needless to say, with my limited knowledge of make-up, I did a lot of trial and error with both facial products and make up. The most frustrating thing was never getting the right foundation, which matched my skin tone. Also, my skin started breaking out in pimples. These pimples would leave black spots because I couldn’t stop poking them, something beauty technicians at beauty stores advised me not to do. That was the beginning of my roller coaster ride with my skin problems. This became a war I would dedicate my entire life into winning.

In a quest to have a clear skin that I would be proud to show to the world, but more importantly, to myself, I searched for products that would yield these results. Unfortunately, it was an elusive dream. The more I searched, the more unattainable the dream was. I spent a lot of money trying it different products at the advice of beauty technicians at the stores. I also followed the three step formula: wash, cleanse and tone. I tried to be consistent with the daily routine, still, no results. I got more frustrated and to make matters worse, my skin under the eyes became black. I went back to beauty technicians to seek advice: they told me to drink more water and sleep more. They also advised me to use some under eye creams, which meant spending more money. Nothing worked. This was pre-smartphones, which introduced the concept of selfies. I’ve had a complicated relationship with smartphones from the day I first owned one because of this small feature. This feature amplified my insecurities about my face, thus my overall beauty.

Fast forward to 2018, I quit my fancy job, which paid me enough for me to afford those fancy products that kept my insecurities at bay. The stress that comes with the uncertainty of entrepreneurship took a toll on my skin. I became obsessed with my skin in a way I’ve never been before. The more I stressed about my skin, the worst my skin became. Towards the end of 2019, my stress and anxiety levels had reached high proportions that leaving the house became a mission. It’s March 2020, it’s better. I leave the house more frequently now. Sometimes I stay the whole day without my foundation on. Because my face is extremely oily, not washing it is better if I want to stay foundation free for the day. I’m able to stay the whole day without covering my black spots, but only at home. This is major progress for me.

I’m often in Observatory, at the Drawing Room, which is owned by a friend. The photo above was taken by him last Friday. I posted this photo on my Instagram. I got more likes than any other photo I’ve ever posted and even got a few compliments. I was hurt by this overwhelming love. I even wanted to remove the picture, but waited to see how many more likes I would get just to prove my point. I replied to those who wrote their compliments, who happen to know me personally, or have seen my face in real life. I told them that’s not how I look in real life. I bought my phone in 2016 and it takes crappy pictures. This phone camera quality adds to my anxiety. Every time I take a picture, I’m never happy. I often use filters on my photos before I post them on social media. I still haven’t yet had the courage to post my pictures make-up free. I will get there, but I’m not in a hurry to get there.

Posting that photo allowed me an opportunity to publicly address this problem I’ve had for so long. Also, I’m working on building my brand as a lifestyle blogger and influencer. Most influencers are picture perfect and don’t seem to have skin problems like I do.

What confidence issues do you have? I’d love to hear from you.